Meet the neighbors: The Harper Family
Meet the Harper Family,
They are our immediate neighbors on the other side of our wall and they are among the long term residents. They would be a traditional, nuclear family—except two of them present as transgendered.
Biologically, it is a husband, wife, and two sons (12-ish and 9-ish). However, when meeting the family they present as two wives, a son (older), and a daughter (youngest).
When we first moved in, we met them when the biological mother and the youngest were out walking their dog. Naturally we energetically engaged them and asked their names. Mind you at this point we didn’t know the youngest was transgender. The mother’s name is Rachel, and she introduced her youngest as ‘Isabella.’ Of course, we repeated their names and did our best to connect with them. We learned that they were just leaving the military and that they had another older child, Charlie. They have known from very early on that I am a minister.
When chatting with another neighbor (who had been living there 20+ years), he kindly told us that Isabella is actually Toby. When we met Toby we could not tell that he was transgender. He was at that time (several years ago) only 7 or 8 years old with shoulder length hair.
Of course this revelation sent our heads spinning! Questions like how in the world did such a youngster get that idea in his head? We had already affirmed the change by using his new name when we first met. Do we keep using the not-real name or look for an alternative? These are questions we are still struggling with 2.5 years later.
As time has gone along, we have gotten to know Rachel, Charlie, and Toby (Isabella). However, the husband has been notably absent from the community. When we first saw him he had just gotten out of the Air Force and still had masculine features. However, we have watched as his hair has gotten longer, he has changed how he dresses, and how he carries himself. He has a distinctive vehicle, so it is obvious that he isn’t home much. I finally was able to met him and he introduced himself as Amy. The only acknowledgement I gave to his identity is that “it’s so great to meet you.”
Rachel, Charlie, and Toby are active in the community. Charlie has several friends and Toby tags along. They are out walking their dog regularly and they attend every community event. They even came to Beulah’s fall festival/BBQ once. During all these interactions and in our private interactions with other neighbors, we have noticed there is a history of judgement and ostracism in the community regarding their lifestyle choices.
Naturally, there is a lot that can be talked about here. We have noticed that many of the problems come from the parents. We have noticed a lot of troubling behavior from the two kids. When I try to interact with Toby he displays a lot of avoidance for reasons we can only conjecture about. Their greatest need, however is to know Jesus.
These are the things we try to focus on with this family. First, providing community. We know they do not have a lot of people ‘in their corner’ and we work very intentionally to be good neighbors. Second, we work to be the fragrance of Christ to them. They are very aware of who we are in Christ. Our hope is that in 15-20 years, Charlie and Toby will say, “growing up we had an unstable home, but our neighbors were Christians and they had something we wanted.” We strive to live out the love of Christ to this family. Third, we have shared Christ several times explicitly, but have obviously been met with avoidance or cynicism.
Our own hearts have been torn between anger and compassion. We have to regularly remind ourselves to not be surprised when spiritually dead people do spiritually dead things. Further, I have to remind myself that the only differences between myself and the Harpers is that my sins are not as publicly evident and that I did nothing to earn my salvation from these sins.
Here are some prayer requests you can pray over:
- Their need to know Jesus.
- That other Christians in the community will be as intentional as we are.
- For us as we raise our kids around this transgender family.
I know transgender is an issue many of you readers have struggled with as well. Know that we pray for you often in your struggle. We would love to dialogue with you over these common issues! Please feel free to reach out when the time is right for you.
In Christ,
Daniel Maggard
